DRACULA 2001

I have quite the eclectic collection of DVDs. Way back when DVDs were a new thing I was adamant that I was not going to buy into it. Just a fad, I said, you saw what happened to mini-disc, I refused to buy a DVD player. I lasted quite a while but my first year of Uni I caved. They were selling them cheap and well, VHS really sucked, it was awful. You watched a tape a few (hundred) times and suddenly everyone talked all wobbly and there were white lines all over everybody's faces. 

So I bought this DVD player and with it came the option of getting two free DVDs from a very terrible selection. I chose two, Dracula 2001 and Evolution. Thus began my collection of DVDs. At the time I had little to watch and I didn't really know what I wanted to watch so I would go to my local Woolworths and buy whatever film was on offer that I hadn't seen. Eventually I got a Blockbusters card and didn't do that anymore, but some of those films have stayed in my collection. Some because I actually liked them and some because I couldn't even give them away. I also bought DVDs for film courses, and because I actually wanted to see and keep them. Anyway, I'm trying to streamline. Now the inspiration here has come from being asked what my favourite movie was, and with a lack of an adequate response, I'd tell people just to look at my DVD shelf. I haven't actually looked at my DVD shelf for a while. So now I'm going to and I'm going to talk a little about the films I own here. Because I love movies and because my taste is so eclectic I might surprise myself, my DVD collection is like a documentation of my history. I can remember when I bought them and usually why. So I may ramble a little bit about that before I get to the actual movie, but we'll see how it goes.

So I'll start with the first (and arguably most terrible) DVD I've ever owned.

DRACULA 2001

Technically this film is supposed to be called Dracula 2000. But it was released in the UK in 2001 and apparently it just wouldn't make sense calling a film Dracula 2000 if it was released in 2001. By that logic 2001: A Space Odyssey really should have been called 1968: A Space Odyssey... Yeah, doesn't quite have the same ring. Neither does Dracula 2001. Since the whole purpose of the 2000 thing was that this Dracula was supposed to be the Dracula for the millennium or whatever. But I digress.

Like I said previously, this DVD came with the DVD player and for a long time it was one of the only two movies I had to watch, since I had no internet connection in my room for a few months. I will admit to watching this DVD more than once because I had nothing else to do.

It stars a then unknown Gerard Butler

 I've just noticed he isn't even mentioned on the DVD cover. Oh how times change.

He's Dracula. It also stars Johnny Lee Miller as a Van Helsing type, chasing Dracula about the place

and also this woman...

I'm sure we won't see her again...

I didn't know who anyone in the film was apart from Johnny Lee Miller, because he was in Trainspotting and Jeri Ryan, because I watched a lot of Star Trek. 

Unpopular opinion: I really liked Voyager, and one of the reasons I picked this film instead of one of the others was her presence. She was a strong woman in Voyager, despite being male fan service. 

The other reason: Vampires, this will be a recurring theme in my collection.

So here's what I remembered about the movie before I re watched it. Written in real time, no edits:

'Some idiots rob a museum or maybe a bank. The idiots include Omar Epps, a guy from Scary Movie and a woman who I remember being in Spin City. In this Bankseum is a coffin, the idiots steal it (???) Thinking it will contain anything other than a dessicated corpse and therefore is of value. I don't really know what happens next but then they're on a plane and somehow Gerard Dracula wakes up, can't remember how, I think maybe he eats the guy who was in Scary  Movie. The plane crashes in Florida (???) or somewhere with a swamp. Oh wait, now I remember, it was in New Orleans. Seven of Nine is a reporter and she's kind of bitchy and Gerard Dracula eats her cameraman. She becomes the first bride of Dracula.

So then we're with this woman, with a pixie cut, since I can't remember her name I'm going to call her Pixie.

She's a Brit, but she lives in New Orleans and works in a Virgin mega store (Ha! Remember those), with her friend Vitamin C. She has dreams, I think they're of Dracula, but anyway. Johnny Lee Miller is in London with his mentor Van Helsing. Van Helsing knows the coffin is stolen, because it was in his vault (???) He thinks Dracula will be after his daughter, Pixie. He's too old to go gallivanting around the place so he sends Johnny to go track Dracula down. Here's where I go a bit fuzzy on what happens. Somehow Gerard Dracula ends up Vamping Vitamin C. Very sexily, if I remember correctly. Johnny Lee Miller has a fight with Omar Epps who is a vampire now. I think it was Mardi Gras, but that's a given as it's always Mardi Gras in New Orleans. More stuff happens that I don't remember. Gerard Dracula seduces Pixie. OH SHIT!!! I just remembered, Nathan Fillion was there at some point, as a priest!

Blah blah blah, Seven of Nine, Vitamin C and woman from Spin City are the Brides of Dracula.

Mrow

They writhe around sexily for a bit and then comes the one part of the movie I remember very clearly.

Gerard Dracula is on a roof, overacting the hell out of a monologue in which he reveals that he is actually Judas Iscariot TWIST!   

Oh, the hair.

and vampirism is his punishment, hence the wood (cross) and silver (coins he was paid) allergies. He cries, spits a lot and then I think Pixie stabs him.

The End.'

After a re watch

It was neither a bank nor museum, it was Van Helsings house. He's an antiques dealer and Spin City woman, Jennifer Esposito or Selina as she is known here, works for him. She enlists a group of hi tech burglars, Hyde from that 70's show! Dude from Save the Last Dance! Ponytail extra! To help her steal from the vault as she thinks Van Helsings level of security means he must be hiding untold riches. Finding nothing but the aforementioned coffin they steal it as they can't get it open without Indiana Jones style traps beheading them all.  Scary Movie guy and Ponytail extra die here.

It turns out Johnny Lee Miller's character Simon, isn't a hunter at all he's just some rando who works for Van Helsing and loves to talk about vampires. Which means the entire purpose of his character is someone for Van Helsing to exposit to, which he does. A lot. There is so much exposition, done so clunkily too, while the camera spins and spins around them because the director thinks you won't get bored if the picture doesn't stop moving.

Van Helsing didn't send Simon BTW he followed him. Shows how much attention I paid.

To be honest all the stuff that I had forgotten happening wasn't worth remembering so I'll skip most of it. However It turns out Van Helsing in this movie is the original Van Helsing from the Bram Stoker story. He's kept himself alive by injecting a little bit of Dracula's blood into himself everyday and of course he passed traces of this onto his daughter. Hence her Dracula dreams and his obsession with her.

At one point Simon holds the Bible out to Gerard Dracula and he's all 'not afraid of books dude' and then Simon opens the book and all the pages fly at Gerard Dracula while on fire.

Ha ha, what?

So anyway. Lots of running, chase scene through a graveyard (???) covered in fog (???) Judas scene. Wire work.

So many unnecessary back flips

Oh and  Pixie doesn't stab him, well she does, but that doesn't kill him. She hangs him from a neon cross and god finally accepts his death or something. Ugh, by that point it was like whatever .

Yeah so, this film was not great. However, I don't think I hated it at the time. I had very low standards and it was entertaining. There are some lovely horror moments.

Gah! Eye leech!

After listening to the commentary I discovered that this originally was a very different type of film. Much darker in tone. Apparently the only reason Johnny Lee Miller signed on was because the original script had him as some blood addicted Vampire hunter who was torn between wanted to hunt vampires down for the good of mankind or use their blood to sustain his youth. When the script was diluted and passed around it became the muddled mess that made it to film and Johnny still had to do it as the ink had dried on his contract.

So as a woman. I like my female characters in movies have some depth, to be honest this should not be predicated on the fact that I am a woman. Before I re watched the movie I couldn't remember what Justine Waddell's (Pixie) characters name was. On rewatch I realise why. She is supposed to be the main character and she has no personality... at all... seriously she does nothing. She slinks around whispering at everybody and looking waifish and then relies on Johnny Lee Millers character (who's characters name I remember as she whispers it all the damn time) to  rescue her. She does back flip fight Dracula at the end but I have no idea why since she seems to lack motivation for anything. She was just so boring and don't get me started on the brides. Their entire reason for being was T&A. Though I'm not against a little sexiness.

Johnny's character could have been interesting but again he was just a shell. The most interesting person in this film was Dracula, and only because Gerard Butler was the only actor in the movie that actually made an effort. He seemed to be the only one taking it seriously, while everyone else mouthed their lines around him.

I don't know what the film was supposed to be. The Bram Stoker story to me was about the fear and allure of sexuality and death. It was Gothic erotica, Dracula was the creeping other who gave women power over their sexuality. He was the Freudian id untamed. I'm not sure what the point of Dracula 2001 was. I guess they wanted to get across the Judas thing. Though that felt like it was left over from the earlier script. I read somewhere that there was supposed to be a satirical element to it, like all the sexuality that maligned Dracula in Victorian times was rampant in boobs and beads land, but the tone didn't seem right for that.

One of the things that annoys me most is watching a film that has potential and because of laziness, meddling, budget, any of the myriad reasons that films turn to shit, just fails. I can usually see the awesome movie lurking beneath the surface and it irks me. There was potentially something interesting with this one, that's why I picked it up but alas it never came to be. 

Whoa, how'd that get in here?